Tue Oct 7th, 2025
||
Topic:
11:06 AM
I am a very envious woman. I am a very jealous woman and I will harm myself out of jealousy. I don't believe in accepting myself and I don't believe in being normal.
I don't believe in 'it's just genetics' and I will go above and beyond to prove that wrong. There's no such thing as starvation mode and my existance proves that. Everyone is so fucking stupid.
I'm skinny and I get praised for it but then it's uncomfortable when I don't want to eat chicken that has three hundred calories of grease clinging to it. No, I don't want butter on my popcorn, why are you making that face. Why on earth would I put more than half a cup of rice on my plate? How else would I fit into size 00 jeans?
Everyone is so fucking stupid. Everyone knows how fat people get fat but what's so hard about understanding how skinny people stay skinny? Why laugh at fat people for eating but then get uncomfortable when someone skinny doesn't eat?
Is there some sort of fetish where people enjoy seeing thin girls chow down greasy foods, the same foods that incite disgust when they see a fat girl eating it? Why do people want to see me eat so bad?
I fight my fat girl habits every hour of the day so I can maintian some form of sanity when I look in the mirror. No one around me truly cares about health, I hate everyone right now.
Sun Sept 28th, 2025 || Topic: 2 days till my first exam
12:14 PM
Studied a little for one of my classes. The exam is this week.
I feel a little overwhelmed with the amount of content I was planning on adding to this site. But I think I'm getting slightly uncomfortable with having my photos up on a public site, I'm thinking of taking down my 'yearbook' page and replacing it with something a little more private.
I don't really care about the contents of my journal being embarassing or pitiful, but I am going to draw the line at my face being shown...
I decided to surf through 4chan this morning just to start the day on a good note. I honestly don't know how any of these people go about there day in real life. I don't want to meet these losers in person but I'm just so curious about how they appear to their loved ones, like what do they work as or what their favourite clothing
brand would be. I think I'm too much of a normie to fully understand the vocabulary they use to communicate with one another and maybe that's for my own good. I find it funny that they refer to eachother as retards.
I can feel the fat cells growing on my face, I'm not sure why my fast hasn't made me feel any better.
I miss having friends, I miss having girls to talk to, I miss when I would have them come over to my place spontaneously and we'd watch movies and do our nails and talk about our future apartments. I don't think I'll ever feel older than 13.
Fri Sept 26th, 2025 || Topic: Fall is here!
4:18 PM
The weather has gotten grey and leaves are developing their familiar fall colours! I've only attended university for two days out of this enitre month and I can't say I feel good about it, I've been chained to my house. I feel incapable of leaving and facing the public. My anxiety has been the worse
it has ever been but life goes on. I'm still studying with the materials I do have on hand and I'm mentally preparing myself to go on campus for exams. I don't really know what my issue is when it comes to social anxiety. Is it ego? Can someone who hates themselves have ego? I think so, I care too much about how people perceive me even though the reality is that
no one is genuinely paying attention to anyone in public. I need to suck it up. I'm down a couple pounds and that has helped me feel more human in public, I still want to lose a little more just enough to feel 2-D.
Boyfriend is moving up in his career and I'm happy for him. I've decided to bring my degree down from a major to a minor so I can graduate as soon as possible. I'm not happy with it, but I'm planning to attend college soon so I've accepted that my degree is useless and that I have built thousands of dollars of loans on a worthless degree.
It's alright though, I'll work it all off anyway. I am sort of excited to join the college program I've been eyeing. It's not a money making field, and I'll probably
be facing a computer 8 hours a day but I'lll take that over anything. I just want a recession - proof job that will give me enough money to sustain myself. I'm really grateful for my sister, friend and boyfriend who aren't heavily judging me for the career change I decided on a whim.
Sat July 26th, 2025 || Topic: Summer as of July.
10:13 PM
I think summer is going by faster than I had anticipated but I'm not complaining because I feel like if my break was one month longer then I'd lose my mind. Years of inner work and growth has completely dissipated this summer and I feel like I'm 13 again, unibrow and all.
The relationship with my mother has gotten (slightly) better as in I can hold a conversation with her as long as 5 minutes without
getting into an argument, she tells me that her heart feels calm now that I'm under her roof again. Okay. Applying for work feels ridiculous, I don't know what my resume is doing wrong. I'm also not sure why I can never get receptionist/admin positions in places that are hiring and require bilangualism. Starting to think it's my name!
I've reconnected with a friend that I felt neutral about reconnecting with but I think I should give her another chance. I do feel like I outgrew her and I can't seem to keep up with her. She's the type to call Olandria from LoveIsland a bitch but then say Huda is her fave islander. I just don't understand how she thinks and most times I'm just sitting there and nodding while she speaks.
Speaking of feeling 13, I started reading and writing fanfiction again and I'll probably be doing this till the day I die. Though I have to say hearing about my cousin getting a job at the clinic and graduating university while I'm at home reading about two old men falling in love doesn't really give the best feeling but its good escapism.
I've been eating healthier food lately and excercising regularly but I'm scared that I'm developing bad habits again.
Have been going to this super cool gaming pub that has all the consoles, old and new. My cousins from 6 hours away came to visit spontaneously so they stayed over for 3 days and it was super fun, we went to the game pub one night and played with the Switch and Wii. I kept getting my butt kicked in Super Smash Bros but proved myself better in Mario Kart!
I wish my cousins lived closer and I wish the one nearby would come over more often. I'm having some fun here and there but over all my summer has felt very lonely especially because my closest friend is taking a full course load and is working 4 days a week, my boyfriend took a full course load as well and works on weekends so I don't want to get in the way of his studies. The social anxiety I believed I had left beind in highschool still has a tight grasp on me and
I can't leave the house unless it's with someone or if I fasted the day prior. It's ridiculous I can't even take the bus by myself so I've been locking myself in my house while I watch women my age LIVE. I'm turning twenty two soon, I need to grow up.
Excited for my birthday!
Sun June 8th, 2025 || Topic:
5:15 PM
Haven't updated my website in a while, don't know where to start. It's not that I've lost interest but rather I hate being on my laptop now. I've been doing nothing but sitting on the porch and doing wordsearches.
I'm reading chemistry textbooks and research papers on pharmacology so I don't feel behind in university while I take a semester break.
I think that not being alive would be easier but I keep telling myself being a below average daughter doesn't mean I don't deserve to live.
Fri May 16th, 2025 || Topic:
Feeling subhuman
Thurs Apr 17th, 2025 || Topic: fuuuuu
I can see that my mom is uncomfortable that I am unemployed and not taking summer courses, I will be free this entire summer for the first time in my life. I feel suicidal and that being dead would be much easier than to deal with how much I fucked up my life but
I'm also excited to go to the beach.
Tomodachi Life is the only thing bringing me joy, I can't pick up my knitting needles or pencils right now. I have never been relaxed since the age of middle school and I'm constantly in fear that something is going to go terribly wrong.
And things have gone terribly wrong in my life but I just keep living. I'm jealous of my NEET brother. I want to be ugly and fat, stay in my room 24/7 and live with my parents forever. They don't expect anything from him.
My mom can coddle her adult son I don't care. I don't care if a grown man can't even mow the lawn or wash a
fucking dish. I don't caaarrrrrreeeeeeee. I bet my dad regrets having kids. If my jobless ADULT son crashed my old car, 3 months after I bought a new one then I'd probably kill myself.
I feel like I'm holding on to life because a part of me doesn't want my dad to feel like he wasted 30 years of being a line cook for nothing. How do I get away from this family.
Wed Apr 16th, 2025 || Topic: SPRIMMER!!!
All my exams are done! I have no school this summer! I have no job! I have to move back home! Now I can focus on getting worse, I LOVE LIFE!
Tue Apr 8th, 2025 || Topic: n/a
9:28 PM
I hate when I study and I realize that I am not actually stupid but just a terrible procrastinator and then I feel bad for
all the times I just gave up on studying because I thought I wasn't smart enough. I've started studying for my exams two weeks before I take them. Studying leisurely and consistently has done wonders
for my memorization. I should do this all the time but I'm not sure why it took me this long. I want to get my cgpa up.
I'm craving sweets so badly but I don't want to eat them because my skin and body reacts so negatively to sugar. Is it a placebo effect? I've never met anyone else who's skin flares up and gets all pimply the next day
after eating sugar. Or look like they gained 10 pounds in a day just from having a couple gummies. I want gummies so bad, I remember when I would eat them with no regard to how it affected my appearance and I really miss that.
I haven't had time to play any video games or read any books lately but I'm hoping I get to play some Stardew Valley tonight, after my study session.
Mon Apr 7th, 2025 || Topic: n/a
12:17 PM
Feeling guilty about not visitng home, my dad is asking when he'll see me again.
For breakfast, I had toast with honey.
Sun Apr 6th, 2025 || Topic: n/a
10:16 AM
I watched A Minecraft Movie yesterday at the theatres with L. The movie was okay. I thought it was meant for little children but then I saw Jason Mamoa and Jack Black 69'ing so now I think the target audience was meant to be 14 yeard olds.
I'm laying in bed and I can't find myself to get up. Since my laptop is in front of me I'll just study for the entire day but I don't know why I feel so miserable. I heard the birds chirping this morning and then felt a pit forming in my stomach. Who the hell feels miserable when they hear BIRDS chirping on a LOVELY morning? Such a beautiful day outside and it's sweater weather now. I'm probably just upset that I have another day
to go through but I hate that I'm feeling so miserable.
Sat Apr 5th, 2025 || Topic: n/a
12:00 am
I had a dream yesterday that I can't quite remember but it didn't seem like it was a good dream. It was very crowded though, it seemed like almost every one I knew was crammed into a tiny room, things were happening but I don't know what was happening.
It looked like that one photo that's suppose to simulate a stroke.
I ate the leg of a rotisserie chicken and some bread with honey today, I'm too lazy to cook anything. I don't want to order any food either because I'm no longer employed. I might have to move back home which I'm dreading because I told myself
that if I ever go back then I would be better off dead.
I've been watching Stardew Valley character deep dives by Fiona Sangster on Youtube and she's making me want to get back into reading fanfiction. I miss when I was obsessed with a piece of media to the point where I would write my own fanfiction or read
someone elses. Vashwood....
Thurs Apr 3rd, 2025 || Topic: n/a
2:39 PM
I recently got an e-mail from the financial aid office saying that they were no longer going to provide me aid and that I'm suspended from taking out loans until
Spring 2026. Amazing. And i just recently got out of probation so if I just hold on and pull through these next two weeks, I'll be officially out of probation. I should care
that I'm no longer getting financial aid but I can't. I don't have it in me anymore. I just want life to cradle me and swoop me in whatever direction it pleases, I really can't find myself caring about where I'm headed.
Anthony Bourdain said, "There's a guy in my head, and all he wants to do is lay in bed all day long, smoke pot, and watch old movies and cartoons. My life is a series of stratagems, to avoid, and outwit that guy." but I can't seem to outwit the
guy in my head! He's winning! It must be hard to love me, my poor boyfriend. To be an engineer with a bright future and ending up with an unmotivated, suicidal loser has to be the craziest thing you could ever sign up for. I don't want to disappoint him because I love him. I will pull through even if I get bloody from drragging myself. I also cut his
hair, gave him a mullet and he has been looking extra handsome.
Wed Apr 2nd, 2025 || Topic: April showers
6:50 PM
I started studying for my exams a little earlier than I usually do it but it's for my own good. Four years of university and I'm finally
taking it seriously and releasing myself from the 2-day cram sessions that take place before an exam.
I woke up from a dream this morning. I was back in school and I was talking to a friend that used to be very close to me. Her and I seemed to know
it was a dream and so we were meticulously planning out how we would get back in contact with each other when we "got older". She was asking me to meet her Montreal and I told her
I was going to move there with the love of my life and when I did, I would get in touch with her.
It was so bizzare because I knew it wasn't actually her talking to me but when I woke up it really felt like I was going to see her again.
I played a little bit of Stardew Valley. It looks like the days are getting longer, it's not pitch black by the time it's 7 o'clock.
I nearly sabotaged my entire relationship yesterday. I would have broken up with my boyfriend on April Fool's day. He didn't do anything wrong but my overthinking will probably be the death of me.
If someone tells you that they don't care what their parents think about their relationship to you, do you believe them?
Or is it far too common for young adults to make choices that breach their connection with their family, but because they're young they dont care? Am I assuming wrong when I think that he's not capable
of disappointing his south asian parents the way I am? Is it wrong for me to be weary of someone I love? Probably. So I'm just going to tune myself out when I find myself getting scared.
Wed Feb 26th, 2025 || Topic: 2˚C
4:50 PM
I was suppose to hang out with my friend from highschool today but she woke up late and couldn't make it. That was okay with me because I wanted to stay inside and
play the Sims3 anyway. Eating habits getting bad. I thinned out my eyebrows like crazy but I look better. For years I would tell myself that I have to keep my eyebrows thick but yesterday, I finally let go of my attachment to them.
Sat Feb 1st, 2025 || Topic: restarting for the millionth time
1:07 PM
I was only scheduled a couple hours today so I get to be cozied up in my bed in the early afternoon. I have exams comming up so I need to study for those. I've been in a really bad place mentally (when am I not) but I don't want to risk my education so
I'm going to force myself to crack open my textbook. Even if I don't get any heavy studying done, I'm telling myself that even looking over the lecture slides is progress.
Being alive is so hard and I feel ridiculous for being depressed even though I have everything I wished for in middle school. I got into university, I'm studying something, I moved out from home and live independently, I got skinny, I got a boyfriend who loves me and for some reason I'm still so tired of living.
I spent so long hating everything about myself and I thought if I lost weight, I would finally feel comfortable but instead
I feel hollow and I'm getting scared of aging despite teenagehood being... like 2 years ago.
I feel so underserving of anything and I can't help but think negatively about everything. I need to fix that. Anyway, going to go play Stardew Valley for some much needed escapism and then I will stop running away from my degree and actually study.
Thurs Jan 29th, 2025 || Topic: cold
9:06 PM
Before I started to attend university my friends bought me a vibrator as a going-away present telling me that I was going to need it. I didn't care for it that much but when my muslim mother would come to visit I would hide it in my closet under my massive pile of clothes because I knew she had a tendency to snoop through my things.
The worst thing happened when one day I came home and she said that she cleaned my closet for me because it was messy and to my horror the vibrator wasn't there.
The craziest part was that she didn't say anything about, she didn't bring it up, she didn't act different but to this day I can't find it. She really confiscated my vibrator. I am an adult woman living on my own and I got my vibrator confiscated. I had no clue that those things costed an arm and a leg, I should have been more grateful and put it in my purse or something. It had like 9 different settings too.
I have done nothing that I wrote on my new years resolution but that's okay because there's still two days left of January.
Fri Jan 10th, 2025 || Topic: still sick
6:40 PM
Caught a very bad cold today. I hung out with K today which was nice. She wants to start a website together where we can document all the books/movies we will read and watch this year.
I texted my manager that I wouldn't be able to come in for my shift tomorrow and I'm avoiding our chat as much as possibe. I know he's not going to do anything and that I can get my day off but it's still scary.
I want to work on my website a little bit because it's gotten stale and I have alot to update now that it's the new year.
Thurs Jan 9th, 2025 || Topic: sick
11:52 PM
The weather dropped by 10 degrees this month and it's been freezing. I had to buy a new pair of gloves and I'm currently planing on getting a new scarf. My thought is feeling dry and sore, I think I'm going to catch a really bad cold soon and I'm not looking forward to that because my semester just recently started.
I got a hold of my old journal that I'm going to use as my 2025 journal. Playing alot of Minecraft and Stardew Valley. Started a new Animal Crossing island and was blessed with the ugliest villagers I have ever seen, perhaps to test my kindness.
Fri Jan 3rd, 2025 || Topic: n/a
8:21 PM
There's an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't shake off. I sometimes wonder if being periodically suicidal is linked to my menstrual cycle or if I've just been depressed since I was 13 and need to start taking antidepressants again.
I don't want to be alive anymore and I feel selfish for thinking that way because everyone else is living because they have to so then why do I feel like giving up so early. I've been wanting to die since I gained concsiousness in middle
school and that feeling always comes back after I thought that I got rid of it forever.
Thurs Jan 2nd, 2025 || Topic: n/a
2:06 PM
I was let off of work early because it wasn't busy.
Wed Jan 1st, 2025 || Topic: New years!
11:18 AM
No work today so I'm going to spend all day playing Animal Crossing and watching video game walkthroughs no commentary (4k 60FPS).
Tue, Dec 31st, 2024 || Topic: New years eve!
9:59 AM
I know everyone says this but I can't believe the new year is already here. Alot happened to me this year but also not alot happened. I don't want to be so negative considering the goal is to start on a clean slate for 2025 but I'm dreading the "When do you graduate?" from those around me and my parents. My parent for the most part are okay with me taking my time but I hate telling people that
because I can just feel that they're judging me. I'm going to be off of social media completely for the new year because it's done nothing for me then trigger my eating disorder and issues with comparison. I have wonderful hobbies, a major that I'm interested in and a loving boyfriend that I can pour my time into. I wish I had friends though.
I have work 1-6 PM and no work tomorrow so I'm excited to have the night to myself. My sister bought me the Nintendo Switch Lite after I jokingly said that I'd give her my polaroid camera and my New Horizons editon Switch if she bought me the Lite. But she's very happy with the trade, I loved my polaroid camera but I dont use it as often as I should and my sister loves taking photos so
I'm sure she'd put it to good use. L bought me a Canon Mini printer so I've been using that alot, and I find it more convenient then the polaroid because I can print photos I've already taken. He also likes using it alot himself and he printed some of my baby pictures so he could put them up on his wall.
I'm debating wether or not to get myself a new journal or should I just use the one that I already have. I think I'm going to carry on my 2024 journal but the issue is, it's all the way back at my place so I can't write in it...I'll probably write my entries on a piece of paper and then attach an envelope to my journal that contains all the outcasted entries. I've been bouncing around alot these couple of months and i barely see my roommates unless
it's because it's the month I'm suppose to be throwing out trash. Even then, I always have to leave during the week either for family, L, day trips, cousin so I hope they don't find it weird that I won't socialize with them. And I also don't want to socialize with them. Not in the "I don't like them" way but more because they're sort of difficult to be around and I have to tiptoe around what I say around them considering both of them are incredibly relegious.
It also sucks that my older roommate doesn't allow sleepovers? I didn't know I moved out just to get a second mother, who made her the head of the household. I'm paying for my room so I should be able to let anyone into my room. I can't even let my cousin sleepover, it's so terrible. I want to move out but I'll do that at the end of the semester.
6:50 PM
Not to be dramatic but I feel empty inside.
Thursday, Dec 26th, 2024 || Topic: n/a
10:49 AM
There's so many hobbies I want to start or continue but I don't really know where to start. I want to read, write, draw, crochet, cook,
play videogames, make a videogame, restart my new horizons island, start a new stardew save file, create a sims save file, watch a documentary,
watch a movie, work on my website, browse through other peoples' sites etc. Not entirely sure where to start because I have work in a couple of
hours from now so I decided to start with
jounralling. When I get back home from work, I'll probaby be on call with L so I can draw a little bit.
8:40 PM
Nevermind, just got back from work and L can't talk right now because I forgot his parents don't approve of me and they would lose their mind if they saw my name pop up on his phone. He said he wants
to play roblox later tonight but I'm not sure how long I can stay up. My brother brought back some chocolate from his girlfriends' house so I ate some of that, though I am trying to cut down on my sugar
intake. I don't know if it's true that coke zero or diet coke can cause cancer but I partake in a billion other activites that can cause cancer
so I'll tackle my diet soda addiction another time. Trying to cut back on cigarettes, I purposefully left my pack at my place before coming to my parents and
this is actually really easy, but I guess it's a different story when I go back home and see a full pack waiting for me on my table.
I know one of the best ways to get better at drawing is to just draw but my mind can't wrap around how it actually improves your d
rawing skills. Does repeatedly drawing something act as a form of memorization for that specific object? How do I know if I fully understand the object or if I'm just memorizing what
I see and not truly understanding. Or does memorizing the object count as understanding it. I feel like I can't improve no matter what I do even though I've seen my art look
different than when I started. So I know that improvement is possible but why does it feel so out of reach in the present moment. Why do I feel like I'm making no progress when I'm doing 20 min figure drawing warm ups everyday? How is that going to help me draw from imagination? Actually, I feel like I know that answers to these
questions but I'm a master at procrastinating so I'm just going to go draw.
Wednesday, Dec 25th, 2024 || Topic: Christmas!
1:39 PM
Christmas today. Dad and I were going through his old video cameras and I found some cassettes that I had videos of when I was a baby. It's so weird seeing myself as a baby because I feel no connection when I see my baby-self on the screen but that baby is 100% me. That baby grew up to be me, I know the fate of that baby and where that baby will be heading in their future.
I also saw videos of my sister and she was the cutest little thing. I recorded some of the clips to save onto my laptop. I'm paranoid that one day the recordings are just going to fall off the face of the earth, I need to make a billion copies of each cassette.
Tuesday, Dec 24th, 2024 || Topic: Eve
9:54 AM
After L left to visit his family, I decided to visit mine, after my work shift on Sunday I packed up alot of my things and arrived at my parents' house by 6 PM. I had bought everyone
some gifts and because we don't celebrate Christmas I just gave it to them the second I got there. I got my mom a dior perfume, my dad a chanel cologne, my sister got some stickers and a dior lip gloss, and I gave my brother two pokemon funko pops which he loved.
I also got my cousin, who was also there to visit, a photobook of a k-pop band she likes.
My sister told me that I gained weight and I'm trying hard not to take it too personally.
I did my nails recently, I'm slowly becoming addicted to press ons. I'm thinking of getting back into writing.
Sunday, Dec 15th, 2024 || Topic: thinking of quitting
6:41 AM
I’m twenty minutes early for work so I got myself some tea with 3 sweeteners and some oat milk. I really hate working here. I’m thinking of applying to places closer to where I live so I wouldn’t have to commit 40 minutes every weekend.
Yesterday, L and I ordered some takeout and we watched Singles Inferno but eventually got bored of that so we then switched to a crime documentary. We ordered noodles with pulled beef for me and got himself a chicken shawarma rice bowl. We both got a little drowsy by 12 AM so we ended up going to bed because both of us had work in the morning.
I really hate my weekends and I hate how slowly times go by at work because I have the habit of checking the time every 10 minutes. Today I’m giving myself a challenge where I won’t look at the time no matter what, so I’ll only have an idea of the time based on rush hours, which employees clock in and the stupid alarm that goes off when someone needs to punch in the temps.
Saturday, Dec 14th, 2024 || Topic: n/a
1:55 PM
I was supposed to be working 7-3 today but I begged my manager to let
me off early so he let me go at one o’clock. Now I’m watching season two
of Spongebob, the episode called, ‘Your shoe’s untied’. I wish I had a pet
like Gary.
L went to his exam which is at 2. So I have nothing to do for the next
three hours but I don’t mind that. I’m liking cozying up with a show
playing in the back while I work on my website. And when I say ‘work one’,
I’m usually just fixing an image pathway or updating my colors tcg page.
I don’t think I’ve added anything new or completed a page fully but
I’m trying to be okay with that. I used to have this page up on neocities
but the pressure to update constantly or make sure my content is
appropriate/aesthetically pleasing got a little overbearing so I’ve decided to take
it easy when it comes to my site.
Friday, Dec 13th, 2024 || Topic: bad friday
6:39 PM
I have an exam that’s coming up on the 19th but I don’t feel like studying for it right now.
I’m not too worried about it since the professor is an easy grader but since it’s cumulative
I should really pick myself up to study it. It’s also my last exam for the semester before winter break.
I’ve been doing okay in school but it feels like it’ll be forever until I graduate and I get a bad feeling in
my chest when I hear people younger than me talk about how many credits they have left until they graduate.
I fully blame myself for my delay in graduating and it’s all because of how poorly I did mentally and academically in my first year.
I don’t think I’m doing well mentally right now either but I’ve seemed to develop a skill with juggling school work and depression.
On days I don’t work but have school, study 5-6 hours, then rot for the rest of the day.
On days I have work, go to work, study 2-3 hours, then rot the rest of the day.
I feel really lonely for no particular reason.
I’m constantly with my boyfriend but when he’s busy and has to study or go to work, my mood immediately crashes and I get this sense of dread
like something bad is going to happen.
It’s not anxiety over my boyfriend getting hurt at work or my mother getting hurt, it’s not anxiety over anyone in particular but just
this anxious feeling in general.
It makes me want to go on youtube and watch an endless amount of videos so I don’t have to think.
I was doing that a couple minutes ago but looking through the hundreds of
videos for something I find interesting made me anxiousn so I decided to write a little bit. (Now playing: Saltwater by Beach House)
I recently got L a projector so I use it to watch spongebob compilations or nature documentaries narrated by David Attenborough.
I watched The Holdover while in the library yesterday and I thought it was good, sometimes cheesy at certain points but Christmas
movies need to have their dose of cheesiness or else it’s not a Christmas movie. I also watched Home Alone. I loved it like I do every year.
I’m planning on getting a new physical journal for the new year. L got me a hobonichi weekly planner so I want to get myself a nice and thick notebook with blank pages so I can use it with the planner complementarity. I’m writing a lot more than usual for my web diary and I don’t know why, I think I just have a lot to say because I haven’t been journaling at all regardless of the media. And I want to write more in general but I’m not sure how I would split up the amount I write between my web diary and my physical journal…I could just commit to one style of journaling but I’m greedy and there’s something satisfying about archiving everything in multiple different ways. I guess I’ll do both, maybe I’ll end up losing my physical journal in a fire or something and will be grateful that I recorded everything on a personal website.
Friday, November 8th, 2024 || Topic: visiting home
Feeling guilty for some reason. There hasn't been anything that happened but for some reason I feel like something is going to go wrong and it's going to be my fault.
I don't think my constant need of reassurance annoys the people around me because they're very patient but I always feel like they love me less as time goes by.
And I feel like I've been mean to my boyfriend for no particular reason this week and it's killing me.
Tuesday, October 31st, 2024 || Topic: Halloween
I didn't get to go out for Halloween today because I have a midterm tomorrow but I put out some candy.
An outdoor cat named Luna visits often and he's really cute! He's so friendly, I wish I had a black cat of my own, I'm really jealous of
whoever Luna goes to sleep with at the end of the night!! His left ear is injured. According to his owner, he scratched his ear to the point of damaging the tissue. Poor baby :(
Sunday, October 19th, 2024 || Topic: buldak noodles with dairy will kill you
I was visiting home for the weekend because my mom has been begging me to come over at least once this month. I really didn't
want to but I wanted to see how my siblings were doing. My older brother is still a NEET and I'm trying hard not to hate him for it, maybe it's jealousy I don't know. I wonder if my mom knew that she would produce two failures.
At least my sister is on track to doing well and I'll make sure she is.
She wanted me to play Dress To Impress with her but she eventually took a nap. I was looking at her face and I thought about the first time I saw her, she was so tiny and she had some sort of gooey residue on her forehead that the nurses said they'd clean off once the bath was ready.
I always thought newborns look very different to how they'd look when they grow up but my sisters features didn't change much in my eyes. She's always looked the same no matter what, even the expressions she had as a baby are the same. I remember when she'd grab my ears and hair with her chubby hands.
She's 16 now and she always gets (pretend) mad when smothering her in kisses but she'll always be a baby to me. I wish I wasn't an older sibling but I loved being a big sister when I was younger.
I can't help but feeling like suicide would be easier because the thought of living like this for the rest of my life is fucking with my productivity, I can't afford to fail at anything right now but
something's telling that it'd be less embarrassing to just end it now then to wait until I really fuck things up.
I'm really enjoying having this site! So many creative and talented people, I love just browsing through peoples webpages. I think what I like the most are blogs/diaries...I just want to know what's going on in peoples heads. Maybe it's because I don't have a filter on here
because I'm confident that no one is going to find me in real life (let's hope) so my assumption is that others will be as unhinged or open on here. Some are though! And it's nice to read because it gives me a piece of mind that I'm not the only one who's dealing with mental turmoil.
Sunday, October 13th, 2024 || Topic: i don't know why my life feels so mundane
Reading week has started so now classes, using that time to catch up with my school work because I'm behind in one
of my classes
Boyfriend made reservations at a restaurant that serves authentic Kerela dishes. I've never tried South Indian food but I'm excited because the place looks soooo good.
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2024 || Topic: Exam week
I had exams this week and I did well on one of them but I had to transfer the weight of my genomics exam because I don't think I was ready for it. I feel terrible but it's better
than bombing the exam, at least I have another chance at doing well. I haven't been attending my classes like I would like but I want to pull myself back up so I'll be going to one of my lectures
starting tomorrow :(.
I have been trying to get back into drawing again. I put myself off from it because I always felt that I wouldn't get better no matter how much I draw but I think I've finally accepted that
skill takes time and effort. I like figure drawing but I never did it enough to make it a habit. I can already draw humans somewhat decently although my anatomy isn't the best but I think doing daily figure drawings will get me used to
the human body which will start making me feel more comfortable in character art. I don't know why I think that I'll get better over night but that thought is the reason I have been in the same place with my art for almost 8 years now. So I did some figure drawings today and made sure to actually
observe the bodies rather than mindlessly sketching. But it felt good to draw again after such a long time!! I'm going to be consistent and I can't wait to see my progress in a year from now.
Thursday, September 12th, 2024 || Topic: UNI
Started my 4th year of university this month but I know it's not my last...
Haven't been able to work on my website for a bit because I've been living with my boyfriend this past couple of weeks but I got
my laptop again so now I'm able to work on it a little bit, but I don't know how much attention I can give it considering my workload at uni but I'm still
going to try to add to my current pages here and there.
I think I had a poor start to the semester with my social anxiety. I think I forget how socially anxious I am until September comes, I'm finding myself skipping
classes that I know are recorded because then I don't have to walk through campus. I'm trying to get better at leaving the house more often but it's difficult. I very grateful that my boyfriend
will willingly walk to the gas station for me and get my favourite snacks/drinks when I don't feel comfortable leaving the house.
Sunday, August 25th, 2024 || Topic: What am I doing..
Trying to get a hold of myself again. And trying to minimize how much of a burden i am to those around me. I don't know why I do that somwtimes. It's like I just suddenly explode, my mood becomes entirely different when I hear something that I didn't want to hear and then hours later I'm calling back to apologize and then the next day it happens agan. I don't want to exhaust the peaple around me. I cannot expect those around me to tell me the perfect things, I need to expect less from the people around me because no one will be able to pull me out of my problems other than me. I need to learn to not be upset when I don't receive the affirmations I wwant especially if they're not true.
Monday, August 19th, 2024 || Topic: Middle school
Sometimes I think about how I was in middle school and of the friends I used to have. I read my previous journals and every single entry consisted of low self-esteem ramblings and the adventures I had with my friends that day. Just from the way I had written, I could tell I was having alot of fun in my day to day life despite feeling so poorly of myself. I had people I could joke with, talk about crushes with, argue with, fawn over media with. Now a decade later, I have no one. I do have my boyfriend and I really enjoy talking to him. I get the same joy from him as I would a deep friendship but there's something missng. I miss having girls in my life, I always wanted to have a group of women whom I can talk to about things that I can't really with my boyfriend.
I can talk to my bf aboout ANYTHING but he can't really fully engage in conversations about makeup or nails, beauty etc, other than giving me some "waohhh thats interesting" or "damn that's cool" despite how interested he tries to make himself seem.
Sunday, August 18th, 2024 || Topic: Coming to conclusions
// Too personal for the public eye (•᷄- •᷅ ;)
Friday, August 16th, 2024 || Topic: Boring Friday
I got my liscence renewed today because it expires at the end of the month. The lady quickly took my photo, I wasn't really prepared for the photo so I'm kind of scared to see what I look like. I'm losing weight steadily, I have to dtay consistent. I'm trying to reach my lw or if I can't do that, the goal is to lose fat and build muscle. I haven't really been working out consistently at all so my muscles feel weak. But definetly I will be consistent when September starts.
Thursday, August 8th, 2024 || Topic: Birthday
I have been thinking of taking my own life but I don't have any plans on putting that into action. I can see why people will do it on a whim though. Having a strong urge to run into oncoming traffic. Obviously I won't be putting that into action. I dont really know what's wrong with me and why I think the way I do. I wonder if it's all just the way I think or if there is some sort of truth in the scenarios that I think about.
I think I'm rather difficult to love and my boyfriend isn't in a genuine relationship with me. Maybe it is genuine on a surface level but it feels like he doesn't really know if he loves me. I feel like he's saying all these things just to have me.
When I tell him I look bad at a healthy weight he tells me I look fine and healthy but that pisses me off becuase it's so easy to tell that he's forcing himself to say that. He can't even tell me I'm beautiful without stuttering or averting eye contact. 'Fine', 'Normal'. 'Healthy' are the only vocabulary he can use when describing my body and it makes me want to commit suicide. And even if he says 'beuatiful' and 'perfect', it's always when I'm having a bad breakdown or visibly upset. It doesn't feel genuine in the slightest because why can't I be called beautiful when I'm not in an emotional turmoil. I always knew I'd probably end up in a relationship where I'm not seen as attractive by my partner but it's alot more harder to deal with than I thought. I'm unsure of how this is going to impact the relationship, I feel like a ticking bomb.
Monday, August 5th, 2024 || Topic: Being at home
I am visiting home because my birthday is in 3 days, so there's no point in going back to my other place. My mom came into my room frantically asking em to help her log in to her bank account, which I had helped her make years ago. But the issue is that she forgot the security questions. I know my parents aren't the best at English but they can't rely on my to remember all 200 of their login and passwords(╥﹏╥).
Sunday, August 4th, 2024 || Topic: life update
It's been a while since my last entry. Things are going well with Leon and I. I'm waiting for my Calculus II results to be posted on brightspace, it gives me the worst feeling on the planet...I know I didn't do to well on it but I'm hoping I got ATLEAST 41%...
I've lost a little bit of weight. Summer has been nice. I hate work as usual.
Monday, April 22nd, 2024 || Topic: boyfriend update
Leon and I started dating officially on th 27th of March. He was walkig me back to the train station after I hung out with him, and then I asked him what he thought about being in a relationship. He said he was open to it and then agreed that he wanted to make things official but he said he found it funny that he had asked to make things official first but I had previosuly turned him down..
One month(ish) after meeting him he had asked me if I was ready to be exclusive with him but I had already assumed we were exclusive! That's why it had taken me a bit to think about wether I was ready or not to date because I was confused on where he stood.
Anyway, a couple days ago he told me he wanted to make our anniversary date the day we met (lol). He's so cute.
Thursday, Febuary 8th, 2024 || Topic: Scary experiences
I really don't know how to talk to men, I don't know how to date and how to be myself around men. I always feel like I'm performing in a way, I don't know how to truly be myself.
If I be myself, I think that will scare them away but I think that's better than performing. I'm talking to a guy recently, and I think I will be myself and if it doesn't work than it won't work and that's okay. He's cute but we don't really share the same hobbies or anything but two people don't need to share the same hobbies to get along. I'll see where this goes for me.
Saturday, Febuary 3rd, 2024 || Topic: work
Just came back from work and I'm tired. I wish I had a workplace crush, that would make things more interesting. I feel like no one likes me at work since I don't really talk much. I love working evenings though. My favourite people are in the evenings.
I don't know how to make myself more open to conversation, I feel stiff and ugly, I hate looking into people's eyes.
